Diary of a Punter: Four Profits in a Row. High Fives up next!

Doctor. Leader. Legend. More profit in midweek and I’m on for five in a row. Enough about me what about Celtic? 11% possession! Jammy bastards! No betting on that game for me but that was the midweek that got away. Almost.

There was a weird lack of goals in the Prem last weekend (only 18 goals in 10 games) and a similarly creepy shortage in the Championship in midweek. Strange. Let’s hope not this week. Hoping for clean sheets is a ghoulish experience and as a native Australian it is my right to wear a G string. According to my supercomputer Schalke should have won, as should have either Mirwol or Middlesbrough. This was also one of those weeks where bets land you backed away from like dreadlocked bouncer Charlie Austin (20 goals this season) and Tommy Ince Jr (ginger curtains, spotty) scoring first. Both players I have been backing to score this season. Not to mention Palace slipping through the net around about Evens to beat the Ipswich Stranglers. One 5-0 spanking later and that’s a fu*king huge price. Oh well. I know for a fact I was the only person in South America selling goals in the Burnley Leeds game and it rained hard at Real Madrid (4) and at Stamford Bridge (5). Enough to make a small profit but I’m still licking my pussy sorry I mean wounds about Schalke.

Forest v Middlesbrough – 0.5 pts: BORO TO WIN – 13/5 -0.5
                                              0.5pts: HT DRAW FT BORO – 7/1 -0.5

Burnley v Leeds – 1pt: UNDER 2.5 GOALS – 11/8 +2.38

Watford v Millwall – 2pts: MILLWALL TO WIN (DRAW NO BET) – 11/10 +2.00
                                     1pt: HENDERSON TO SCORE ANYTIME – 2/1 -1.00

Schalke v Arsenal – 3pts: SCHALKE TO BEAT ARSENAL – 5/6 -3.00
                                 0.2pts: VERMAELEN SCORE LAST – 33/1 -0.20

Real  Madrid v Dortmund, Chelsea v Shakhtar Donetsk
1pt: BTTS DOUBLE – 7/4 +2.75
0.5pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS DOUBLE – 5.72/1 +3.36

9 bets, Stake 9.70, Returns 10.49

Midweek Profit/loss:  +0.79 (+8%)

Total Kitty (starting kitty of 11.25): 31.11 (+177%)

Never underestimate the Pricey. I’m feeling bullish. Almost two thirds of my liquidity spread across six games this weekend. Bally up. Let’s go looting:

Friday 9th

Middlesbrough v Sheffield Wednesday

Where do I start, apart from a 0-0 draw at Forest in the week, the Boro girls are on a permanent hen-do. One point off top they have taken 16 points from 18 and oh shit it’s Friday. Ladies night. I’ve got my fingers burnt before on Fridays I’m not even sure if I’ve won one football bet on a Friday this season but I’m wearing NIGHT ATTACK and I really like this one. Fuck it – Boro are hot. Wednesday are actually a women’s team. Ok, they won back-to-back six pointers but this lot deserve to be downtown. Before that we’re talking 2 points from 9 freakin’ games dogg. And just two points on vacation this season. Hell no. You’ll find Wednesday floating around Queens or Brooklyn. They got beat on Tuesday night at home zip two and I fancy Boro should go top at home on Friday night at the home of the Red Sox. Enjoy your hen night. Drink up.

*Night Attack is a scent

3pts: BORO TO WIN – 15/16 with 188bet

Saturday 10th

Southampton v Swansea

Having taken a tramp in London for breakfast the other week, I know what it is like to be a patronizing cunt. And I keep showing off about it. Swansea IS an absolute shithole full of tramps, that’s a fact and so I imagine is Southampton. Although not as bad as Portsmouth these spastics don’t have a clue how to behave. Neither do they know how to defend. Ten Southampton games this season have featured 42 goals. 4.2 goals a game and against a Swansea side who can slice and dice. Swansea have scored 2 or more in 8 of 13 games in all competitions this season and that includes games against Chelsea, Liverpool, City and Arsenal. Both teams should score here but odds of 4/7 don’t appeal. Swansea missing Michel Vorm is almost worth half a goal in itself and I’m happy to bet on these two tramps producing something well worth watching.

2pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 7/10 with Bet365

1pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 2/1 with William Hill

Peterborough v Crystal Palace

What a turnout. Old goggly eyes Holloway has fucked off his job in Vegas and brought his unique brand of comedy to the big smoke. Mad Ian and the Ultras. Naughty naughty. I missed out on backing Palace in midweek priced up at Evens to win at home in their funny little damp seedy ground made of wood. Literally missed it. Didnt even look. They did 5-0. Fuming. I like Palace again here, but covering the draw is sensible at 8/11. Palace are unbeaten since August and this is nutty Ian’s first road trip with his new firm. Using memories from films I have seen that feature professional African American couples in the 80s I believe odds of 3/1 on Palace HTFT are worth putting on some Sade to, lights down low, cooking some dinner for and giving a foot rub. I am the American dream.

2.2pts: PALACE TO WIN (DRAW NO BET) – 8/11 with Sky Bet

0.8pts: PALACE TO WIN – 7/5 with Bet Victor

0.5pts: PALACE TO WIN HT/FT – 3/1 with Stan James

Barnsley v Huddersfield

Top plays bottom. Not of the league of course you prick. Top and bottom of my supercomputer’s virtual Half-Time league where all games end after 45 minutes. Huddersfield would be top with 30 points from 15 games and Barnsley would be bottom with 9 points. Huddersfield, like Palace can get the job done early against a two-bob side used to losing. Barnsley have lost 3 in a row and have gone right off the boil, apart from their 0-5 win at Birmingham they have not scored more than once in a game since February. Love you longtime.

3pts: BARNSLEY TO SCORE LESS THAN TWO – 8/15 with Coral

0.5pts: HUDDERSFIELD HT/FT – 19/5 with Stan James

Sunday 11th

Chelsea v Liverpool

Captain. Leader. Legend. Home win. Forget head-to-heads that go back to Mourinho/Houllier days, Chelsea are far superior to Liverpool. I have been happy to buy goals in Chelsea games recently but STOP THE RIDE I WANT TO GET OFF.

2pts: CHELSEA TO WIN – 20/21 with Boylesports

Bristol City v Charlton

There is a pub about a mile away from the Charlton ground called the Wheelchair Basketballer. No shit. I don’t want no dramas. I just want a pint and a listen up to mi Mary J Blige CD yuh. Here comes the science bit: BC have let in 31 goals in 15 games and taken 2 points from 9 games. If that isn’t enough to make you want to back Charlton (who were 5-2 up against Cardiff on Tuesday night before two goals from Charlotte Church’s mum in added time made it 5-4 and almost respectable). I’m more than covering any potential losses I may incur backing the Wheelchair Basketballers with a confident bet on there being over 2.5 in the game. Bristol City games average millions and Charlton’s last two have seen fourteen.

1pt: CHARLTON TO WIN – 19/10 with Ladbrokes

2.5pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 3/4 with 188bet

I’m not a huge fan of accumulative betting so small takes on a couple of speculative ones

Accumulator:

0.25pts: CHARLTON, PALACE, BORO, CHELSEA – 68/1 with Bet Victor

Draw Treble:

0.25pts: ARSENAL, STOKE, READING DRAWS – 53/1 with Bet Victor

Cry me a river Rod. I MISS HER @drtwerp on twitter

Clattenburg never said shit.

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