My name is @drtwerp and I was a lover of luxury items. I liked vintage cars, caviar and fur. I liked mobiles and had matching trainers. I was the wolf of Wall Street. With another weekend of big pimpin’ on the cards after the 3pm kick offs all I needed was the league leaders to bend Birmingham over at home. Stacks on deck. Petron on ice. 1-0 Birmingham. Bolloc*s.
Still, four good Diaries for every bad one is fine by me. Small losses (only 20% of my stake for this weekend) are to be expected now and again. All my bets were on Saturday this weekend. Here is how I got on:
Sunderland v Wigan – 1.5pts: SUNDERLAND TO WIN – Evens +3.00, 0.5pts: SUNDERLAND HT/FT – 5/2 -0.50
Fulham v Man City – 2.5pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 5/6 +4.58, 1pt: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 21/10 -1.00
Brighton v Birmingham – 3pts: BRIGHTON TO WIN – 5/6 , 1pt: BRIGHTON TO WIN (-1) – 5/2, 0.5pts: BRIGHTON TO WIN (-2) – 11/2, 0.25pts: BRIGHTON TO WIN 4-0 – 45/1 (-4.75)
Middlesbrough v Leicester – 1.5pts: MIDDLESBROUGH TO WIN – 17/10 -1.50
Burnley v Millwall – 1.1pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 8/11 +1.90, 0.8pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 5/6 +1.46
Stake 13.65, Returns 10.94, Weekend Profit/loss: -2.71 (-20%) (+14.04 overall from 5 diaries)
I went big on Brighton this week and they let me down. As I feared, Birmingham wore their buttplugs after getting ironed out by Boy George the previous weekend and hats off to them. No profit compounded by the fact that I chose not to back Vertonghen FGS then watched him spear through the middle of United’s non-existent midfield and in-play bets on the United game (over 5.5) and T20 cricket (ridiculous) didn’t go well. Every time I flicked on SkySports1 all I could hear was GET IN THE HOLE! For the first time in a while, that’s exactly where I was.
Sunday Bloody Sunday. After losing my marbles in the lab on Saturday I went out and lost more Saturday night. I woke up Sunday morning the bedroom smelt like a Chinese. I have no explanation for this smell but it was not on. That smell had somehow come off my body in the night and I had an attitude that stunk too. My old enemy The Impulsive Bet had got me again. Another in-play loss on the Villa game made me stop look and listen all around. GET OUT THE HOLE! Three hours later, a double on Madrid (RM:over 3.5 and Atletico to win) and Europe winning the bloody golf (backed in-play at 6s) left me sweet like chocolate boy once again. But by Christ was I lucky.
Having learned from my flawed approach at the weekend (a third of my stake money for the weekend on a side missing their top scorer) and not wanting to have to explain further losses for a while, here are my carefully considered picks for the weekend’s fixtures:
Tuesday October 2nd Bristol City v Millwall
I won money buying goals in the Mirwol game at the weekend and I’m looking to pull the exact same stunt here. Not placing similar bets in the Bristol City game at the weekend was a mistake, a 2-3 defeat later and they have seen 20 goals in their last 4 games. Millwall games have got form too, 14 goals coming in their last 3 away games. Neither of these fuckers can defend. No woman no cry. No caps no trainers. No clean sheets.
2.5pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 4/6 (general)
1pt: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 11/5 with Paddy Power
Brighton v Ipswich
Brighton fans shouldn’t be tearing their dreadlocks out yet. I might not have any tie die clothes but I have faith in abundance. Having taken 15 points from a possible 18 they should have too much for Ipswich who have taken only 2 from the same 18 available and have only scored 6 in 8 (and only one of those before half-time). The best goal difference in the division meets the worst and although I don’t anticipate Notting Hill Carnival I think Brighton (minus top scorer or not) will beat Ipswich and stay top.
2pts: BRIGHTON TO WIN – 8/11 with Ladbrokes
0.5pts: TO NIL – 7/4 Bwin
0.5pts: HTFT – 7/4 with Paddy Power
Wolves v Crystal Palace
Three straight league wins. Three clean sheets and I expect Wolves to have a lot of backers. However, beware the ladyboy. She a trap. Those three wins have come against Ipswich, Sheffield Wednesday and Peterbrough. The bottom three. Like banging the three worst girls in your year this is nothing to shout about. Not if you’re a teacher. Palace are in good form too, unbeaten in five and won their last two away 0-1. This is Wolves’ fifth game in sixteen days and I fancy Palace could get a result here.
1pt: PALACE DRAW NO BET – 5/2 with Coral
Spartak Moscow v Celtic
I went go Glasgow as a youth on school journey. We had to play a team of ghouls from a local school and man they hated us they were chucking stones and spitting at us and everything. Needless to say they got beaten. These kids looked like they had never left their bedrooms let alone the country. I hate the look of this for Celtic too. Spartak have won six straight home games and were twenty minutes away from a win at Barcelona. Celtic are going to get fisted in the cold here and quite rightly too! They’re not even wanking off the SPL.
2pts: MOSCOW (-1) 13/8 with Stan James
1pt: MOSCOW (-2) 5/2 with Coral
Wednesday 3rd Sept – Man City v Dortmund
Gimme five! Dortmund won 5-0 on Saturday and prior to that drew 3-3 and lost 3-2. Man City are still yet to keep a clean one this season. Like I said at the weekend although one is imminent a quick look at the number of goals in Man City’s last five home games: 5-5-4-2-6. And the number of goals in Dortmund’s last five away: 3-3-2-5-6 tells me they should concede again against the German champs. Man City need a win here and if there is an early goal in this one it could go nuts. With both these sides having plenty of firepower and misfiring defences, over 2.5 seems reasonable with any potential winnings on the eventuality of it going apeshit.
2.10 pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 5/7 with 188bet
1.25pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 9/5 with SportingBet
0.25pts: MAN CITY WIN 3-2 – 25/1 with 188bet
Good luck everyone with your betting this week.
Be careful (or lucky) if you find yourself in a hole, chasing isn’t cool.
Be yourself, that’s what’s really cool…
I MISS HER
Follow me for more bollocks on twitter @drtwerp