Diary of a Punter: Rebuilding Mission Starts

Having made my first loss last weekend I successfully compounded it with the week from Helmand Province. Palace nicked a result against Wolves and there were goals as usual in Bristol so at least I was wearing protection but Brighton assaulted me for the second time in four days on Tuesday and I have already pressed charges. Pressing charges against the ref in Moscow (Spartak 2-1 up with half hour to go and cruising, one red card later and bet fuck*d) is not an option. Wednesday was no kinder to me: Still no clean sheet for City but Joe Hart’s make-up covered face saved everything else and he was the difference between overs/unders. My total profit has now shrunk to a measly 68% and I have contracted measles, mumps and W.I.S.H. The aborigine girl over the road is pregnant. A hell of a lot can happen in five days:

Bristol City v Millwall – 2.5pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 4/6 +4.15

`               1pt: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 11/5 -1.00

Brighton v Ipswich – 2pts: BRIGHTON TO WIN – 8/11 -2.00

     0.5pts: TO NIL – 7/4 -0.50

     0.5pts: HTFT – 7/4 -0.50

Wolves v Palace – 1pt: PALACE DRAW NO BET – 5/2 +3.50

Spartak Moscow v Celtic – 2pts: MOSCOW (-1) 13/8 -2.00

     1pt: MOSCOW (-2) 5/2 -1.00

Man City v Dortmund – 2.10 pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 5/7 -2.10

1.25pts: OVER 3.5 GOALS – 9/5 -1.25

0.25pts: MAN CITY WIN 3-2 – 25/1 -0.25

11 bets, Stake 14.10, Returns 7.65

Midweek Profit/loss:  -6.45 (-46%)

Total Profit/loss (from a starting kitty of 11.25pts): +7.59 (+68%)

Having taken big shots recently I am holding on and re-assessing my plan. I have most joy in the following markets: Draw No Bet, Both Teams To Score, To Win “To Nil”, To Win By One and Over/Under 2.5 goals.

Hopefully four profits in a row is not followed by three losses. Let’s not turn this rape into a murder. I’m still up since I started and a good weekend is imminent. Concentrating mostly on the above markets here are my bets for the weekend’s football:

Saturday 6th October – West Brom v QPR

Bounce bounce c’mon bounce bounce. Three wins at home in a row (3-0,1-0,2-0) and they should run a similarly tight door against QPR.

1.5pts: WEST BROM TO WIN – 10/11 with Coral

0.5pts: WEST BROM TO WIN “TO NIL” – 11/5 with bwin

Swansea v Reading

Not last New Year’s Eve but the one before I was on a train to a fancy dress party in Wales and it broke down in Port Talbot. I was dressed like an old cowboy and I had a fake toy gun with an orange end. This fat bald dude in a Swansea tracksuit said something to me and I told him to commit suicide, the next thing me and him are under a table bitin’ and gougin’ like a coupla crocodiles. My bird was so impressed. It was a great fight (fat boys tire fast) and we shook hands after although I was pretty fuck*d up for the party I was going to. One party Reading are already looking pretty fuck*d up too at is the Premier League party. Swansea have lost three on the spin without scoring (v. Villa, Everton and Stoke) and 10 of their last 13 Premier League games have had a BTTS:NO outcome. Reading do have goals in them but got beat 1-0 at West Brom in their last away game and I’m wearing my low-riders for this one.

1pt: UNDER 2.5 GOALS – 39/40 with Bet Victor

Wigan v Everton

Everton are hot. Scouse chicks are too. They go out in their rollers and make an effort. That curly haired Belgian bitch is a bit of an eyesore but sexy football in general. Top of the half-time table they are averaging more shots than anyone so far and should test Wigan from the off. They went to Villa and were 0-3 up at the break and 0-2 at Swansea. Nothing can stop this blue machine not Wigan not today and not on my watch.

1pt: EVERTON HT/FT – 13/5 with Stan James

0.25pts: FELLAINI SCORE FIRST – 9/1 with Coral

Southampton vs Fulham

I was expecting goal city bitch in the Fulham game last weekend and it didn’t rain. This weekend they go to RAINDANCE at Southampton (goals in last 4 games: 5-7-5-4). Every Fulham game this season has seen at least three goals and there are more here. No caps. No trainers. No clean sheets. Sweet like chocolate boy.

2.5pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 8/11 with Stan James

2pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 4/5 with Blue Square

0.5pts: BERBATOV TO SCORE ANYTIME – 9/4 with Stan James


Blackpool v Charlton and Crystal Palace v Burnley

Palace are in great form and Blackpool (one result aside) are red hot at home. Two shit grounds. Two shit kits. Two home wins. My first double of the season.

1.5pts: BLACKPOOL/PALACE WIN DOUBLE – 3/1 with William Hill.

Sunday 7th October – Newcastle v Man United

I will shit in my own bumbag if this puppy doesn’t produce me a litter of goals. United can’t defend, wear no protection and have a shit-hot strikeforce fully fit. Newcastle have defensive issues of their own, a settled midfield and their own fair-trade pair of strikers. The way United are opening up centrally is making for great games and they got ripped apart here 3-0 last season. If United opt to try and outscore Newcastle this could produce oil. United won’t keep a clean one here and I doubt Newcastle can keep out United.

3 pts: BOTH TEAMS TO SCORE – 8/11 with Stan James

2pts: OVER 2.5 GOALS – 4/5 with Coral

0.25pts: BEN ARFA TO SCORE ANYTIME – 5/1 with Hills

0.5pts: DEMBA BA TO SCORE ANYTIME – 12/5 with Stan James

Enjoy the football this weekend everyone. Some absolute crackers out there if you ask me.

Twerp me @drtwerp on twitter as I have been losing a lot of followers recently and I feel sick.


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